AITA for telling my wife menopause made her “undesirable” so she shouldn’t complain when I DM younger women?
Oh boy, do we have a doozy for you today! This story dives headfirst into the painful realities of aging, intimacy, and the absolute destruction that cruel words can wreak within a marriage. When one partner feels their physical changes are being weaponized against them, it’s a recipe for disaster, and unfortunately, this particular AITA post serves up a double portion of emotional turmoil and betrayal. Prepare yourselves, because this one hits hard.
It’s a tale that many might relate to, especially those navigating the complexities of long-term relationships where bodies change and desires evolve. The question of loyalty and respect becomes paramount, and when it's utterly shattered by an insensitive comment, the fallout can be catastrophic. Today's OP has certainly ignited a firestorm, and we're here to unpack all the layers of hurt, anger, and deeply flawed communication that brought them to this critical juncture.
"AITA for telling my wife menopause made her "undesirable" so she shouldn't complain when I DM younger women?"
My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. Lately, things haven't been great, mostly due to her going through menopause. It's been tough on her, with the mood swings, hot flashes, and general discomfort, which I admit has also impacted our intimacy. She often complains about feeling different, less herself, and less attractive. I've tried to be supportive, but honestly, it's draining. I've found myself looking for connection elsewhere, which I know isn't ideal, but I felt starved for attention and affection.
I started casually DMing a few women I met online – nothing explicitly sexual, just friendly chats, maybe a flirtatious comment or two. I thought I was being discreet, but a few nights ago, my wife found my phone unlocked while I was in the shower. She saw some of the messages, and understandably, she was furious. When I came out, she confronted me, yelling about betrayal and how I was looking for something better. I got defensive, feeling cornered and unfairly attacked. The conversation escalated rapidly, and she started crying, asking me how I could do this to her, especially when she's already feeling so vulnerable because of her age and the changes her body is undergoing. In the heat of the moment, and I admit, out of frustration, I blurted out that since menopause made her 'undesirable' to me, she shouldn't complain when I sought attention elsewhere. The words hung in the air, thick with shock and silence.
Her face just crumpled. She didn't yell anymore; she just looked at me with this profound hurt, like I'd physically slapped her. She then quietly told me she couldn't believe I would say something so cruel and that I had completely broken her trust and her heart. She walked away and has barely spoken to me since, sleeping in the guest room. I know what I said was harsh, and I regret the way I phrased it, but I also feel like her own issues with menopause have pushed me away. I was hurting too, feeling neglected, and it just came out. Am I the AITA for saying what I did, given the context of our marital struggles and her physical changes?
This post is a textbook example of how not to handle marital difficulties, especially when one partner is navigating significant life changes. While the original poster (OP) describes feeling neglected and frustrated, his choice of words was not merely harsh; it was deeply wounding and utterly dismissive of his wife's vulnerability. Menopause is a challenging physiological and emotional journey for many women, and to imply it renders them 'undesirable' is to invalidate her entire experience and worth.
The OP's actions before the confrontation, specifically DMing other women, constitute an emotional betrayal, if not outright infidelity. His attempt to justify this behavior by blaming his wife's menopausal state shows a profound lack of empathy and responsibility. Instead of addressing his feelings of neglect directly with his wife or seeking counseling, he chose to seek external validation and then compound the betrayal with an incredibly cruel statement.
The underlying issue seems to be a breakdown in communication and intimacy that has festered. While it's true that menopause can impact a couple's sex life and overall dynamic, a loving and supportive partner would engage in open dialogue, seek solutions together, and reassure their spouse. To suggest her natural aging process is a license for him to disrespect their vows is not just wrong, it's a fundamental misunderstanding of partnership.
Ultimately, the OP's comment crossed a line that will be incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to uncross. It wasn't just about his feelings of neglect; it was about tearing down his wife's self-esteem at a time she needed support the most. The pain inflicted by such words often leaves deeper scars than actions alone, shattering the very foundation of trust and affection built over two decades. He created an emotional chasm.
The internet weighs in: Is 'undesirable' the ultimate relationship poison?
The comment section, as expected, was an absolute firestorm of condemnation for the original poster. Users overwhelmingly sided with the wife, calling out the husband's profound lack of empathy and his cruel justification for emotional infidelity. Many pointed out that his statement wasn't just an 'in the moment' outburst but rather a reflection of deeper disrespect for his wife's age and experience, which resonated deeply with many readers navigating similar life stages.
Several comments highlighted the insidious nature of blaming a partner's natural bodily changes for one's own poor behavior. The consensus was that while relationship struggles are normal, resorting to such a demeaning and hurtful insult is a relationship-ending offense. The community emphasized that true partnership involves supporting each other through all life stages, not abandoning or devaluing them when things get challenging.
This AITA post serves as a stark reminder that words have power, and in this case, the power to inflict immense, lasting damage. While relationship difficulties are universal, the path chosen by the original poster was one of betrayal, blame, and profound disrespect. It's a painful lesson that true partnership means supporting each other through life's changes, not using them as an excuse for harmful actions. This couple has a monumental task ahead if they hope to repair the broken trust and shattered self-esteem, if it's even salvageable at all.
