AITA for demanding my wife starts wearing makeup again at home because “you used to put effort in when we were dating, now it’s just sweatpants and no brows”?

Welcome back, dear readers, to another installment of "Am I the A**hole?" Today's submission dives deep into the complexities of relationship expectations and personal appearance. Our submitter, a husband, has stirred quite the pot by voicing his desire for his partner to resume wearing makeup at home, reminiscent of their dating days. It's a tale that many might find relatable, or perhaps, utterly infuriating. Let's unpack this sticky situation and see where the court of public opinion lands.

This isn't just about foundation and mascara; it's about the perceived effort in a long-term relationship. Is it reasonable to expect your partner to maintain the same level of grooming from courtship days, especially when daily life brings comfort and familiarity? Or does such a demand cross a line, infringing on a person's autonomy and potentially eroding self-esteem? We're about to explore the delicate balance between personal preference and respecting a partner's comfort.

"AITA for demanding my wife starts wearing makeup again at home because “you used to put effort in when we were dating, now it’s just sweatpants and no brows”?"

I (M30s) have been with my partner (F30s) for over ten years, married for seven. When we first started dating, she was always impeccably put together – full makeup, stylish clothes, really vibrant. I loved that about her; it showed confidence and an appreciation for presentation. Now, most days at home, she's in sweatpants, no makeup, sometimes not even brushing her hair until midday. I know comfort is important, but it's a stark contrast to how she used to be. It feels like she's let herself go, or at least, stopped making an effort *for me*. I'm still attentive to my appearance, not to the same degree as dating, but I try.

I brought this up gently last week. I said something like, "Honey, remember how you always used to look so glamorous when we first met? I miss seeing that. It would be nice if you put on a little something, even just around the house, sometimes." She got quiet and then very defensive, saying she's comfortable and shouldn't have to perform for me. I explained that it's not about performing, but about maintaining that spark. I just want her to look like the person I fell in love with, the one who always seemed to care about her appearance. I miss seeing her 'done up.'

She retorted, "So you're saying I'm not good enough as I am?" I didn't mean it like that, I tried to clarify that it's about the *effort* and the *feeling* it used to evoke. I suggested it could be a fun thing to do together, like getting ready for a date night, even if we're just staying in. She just shook her head, got upset, and said that if my love is conditional on her makeup, then we have bigger problems.

Since then, things have been tense. She's withdrawn, and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I truly believe I'm just expressing a desire to rekindle something we had, to see her feeling good and looking her best, which for her, used to involve makeup. I wasn't demanding it for public outings, just for our shared space. Am I the a**hole for wanting my partner to put in effort with her appearance, specifically makeup, at home?

This situation taps into a deeply sensitive area: how partners perceive and express attraction within a long-term relationship. The submitter feels a sense of loss for a past version of his partner, associating makeup and presentation with "effort" and "spark." From his perspective, he's communicating a desire for something he valued, believing it contributes to the relationship's vitality. It's not uncommon for partners to subtly or overtly express wishes about each other's appearance.

However, his partner's reaction highlights the significant impact such a request can have. Demanding or even suggesting changes to a partner's physical appearance, especially something as personal as makeup, often feels like a criticism of their natural self. It can be interpreted as "you're not good enough as you are," regardless of the intent, leading to feelings of inadequacy, resentment, and a sense of being controlled or judged.

Furthermore, the shift in appearance from dating to marriage is a natural progression for many. The comfort of a long-term relationship often means shedding the constant pressure to impress, allowing for more relaxed self-presentation. What one person sees as "letting go," another sees as "being comfortable and authentic." This difference in interpretation is at the heart of the conflict, as both views hold validity from their individual standpoints.

The core issue might not be the makeup itself, but the way expectations are communicated and received. Was the request genuinely about rekindling intimacy, or did it carry an underlying judgment? And how much personal autonomy should one retain within a partnership regarding their self-image? Navigating these waters requires immense empathy, careful communication, and a willingness to understand each other's emotional landscape, rather than simply stating desires.

Barefaced Truths and Relationship Expectations: What Do You Think?

Wow, the comment section exploded on this one, and it's clear there are strong feelings on both sides. Many readers quickly jumped to the defense of the partner, emphasizing her right to comfort and criticizing the submitter for what they perceive as shallow expectations. The sentiment "she shouldn't have to perform for you" echoed loudly, highlighting how deeply personal appearance is, especially for women navigating societal pressures.

Yet, a notable contingent also expressed some understanding for the submitter's underlying sentiment, though often condemning his delivery. They pointed out that mutual effort in a relationship isn't just about chores; it can extend to maintaining attraction and making each other feel special. While not condoning demands, they acknowledged that a desire for a partner to feel and look their best, for themselves and the relationship, isn't inherently malicious.

This AITA post really highlighted the delicate dance between individual autonomy and relationship expectations. While the submitter's desire to "rekindle the spark" might stem from a place of genuine longing, his approach, focusing on a specific aesthetic demand like makeup, appears to have backfired spectacularly. The consensus leans heavily towards respecting a partner's comfort and personal choices. It serves as a crucial reminder that open, empathetic communication about feelings and needs, rather than demands about appearance, is always the healthier path in any long-term partnership.