AITA for starting a secret savings account “for when I eventually leave” and openly telling my wife it’s because she refuses to put effort into being attractive anymore?

Welcome back, dear readers, to another installment of relationship riddles that have us all scratching our heads and questioning modern romance. Today, we're diving into a particularly thorny marital dilemma that pits personal attraction against the very foundation of trust. Get ready for a story that's sure to ignite some fiery debates in the comments section below, because honestly, this one is a doozy. It touches on sensitive topics many couples face.

Our anonymous poster, let's call him Mark, has laid bare a deeply personal and undeniably controversial choice he made regarding his marriage. He's created a 'get out' fund, not in secret for practical reasons, but as a deliberate statement about his wife's perceived lack of effort in maintaining her appearance. The bluntness of his admission, and the reasoning behind it, is what has the internet buzzing. Is he a cruel truth-teller or an insensitive partner?

"AITA for starting a secret savings account “for when I eventually leave” and openly telling my wife it’s because she refuses to put effort into being attractive anymore?"

My wife, Sarah, and I have been married for seven years. We have two young children, a 5-year-old and a 2-year-old. Before kids, Sarah was always meticulously put-together. She loved fashion, makeup, and working out. I was incredibly attracted to her, and that was a big part of our initial connection. Fast forward to today, and things are… different. She rarely styles her hair, lives in sweatpants, and generally seems to have stopped caring about her appearance entirely. I've brought it up gently before, hinting that I miss seeing her dress up, or suggesting we go on a date night where she could get dolled up, but it always leads to an argument about how exhausted she is and how I don't appreciate her sacrifices. I understand she's tired, but it's gotten to the point where I'm losing attraction. It hurts to admit, but it's true. I feel like she doesn't care if I'm attracted to her anymore. It feels like a betrayal of our marriage.

I started feeling resentful, and honestly, a bit hopeless about our future. One day, after another frustrating conversation where she dismissed my feelings as superficial, I decided I needed a contingency plan. I opened a separate savings account, one she doesn't know about, and started diverting a portion of my paycheck into it. I call it my 'escape fund.' I figured if things didn't improve, at least I'd have a cushion when I eventually had to leave.

The problem came when I snapped during our next argument. She accused me of not seeing her anymore, only seeing her as a mother, and something just broke. I told her about the account and exactly why I was building it: 'Because you refuse to put any effort into being attractive anymore, and I can't live like this forever.'

She was stunned. Her face went from anger to utter shock, then quickly to tears. She called me cruel, shallow, and an awful husband. She's now barely speaking to me, sleeping in the guest room, and has told her sister, Emily, who then called me every name under the sun. My friends, however, are split. Some say I was brutally honest and she needed to hear it. Others say I crossed a line. AITA?

On one hand, the poster, Mark, is expressing a genuine feeling of lost attraction, which is a common and often difficult issue in long-term relationships, especially after significant life changes like having children. Physical attraction plays a role in many romantic partnerships, and feeling unheard when trying to communicate this concern can lead to deep frustration. It's understandable to feel a disconnect when one partner perceives the other has 'let themselves go.'

However, the method Mark chose to address this issue is undeniably problematic. Creating a secret 'escape fund' explicitly 'for when I eventually leave' introduces an element of emotional sabotage into the marriage. It suggests a premeditated exit rather than a commitment to working through challenges. This action itself could be seen as a breach of trust, laying the groundwork for a future separation without open discussion.

Moreover, openly telling his wife, Sarah, about the account and its purpose, linking it directly to her appearance, was a deeply hurtful and potentially manipulative move. While honesty is important, weaponizing it in such a manner, essentially issuing an ultimatum with a financial countdown, can be emotionally devastating. It's likely to elicit defensiveness and despair rather than a desire for change or reconciliation, making true communication impossible.

Ultimately, while Mark's feelings of decreased attraction are valid, the way he handled them veered into territory that could be construed as emotional cruelty. A healthier approach would involve couples counseling, direct but empathetic communication, and exploring the underlying reasons for Sarah's changed habits, perhaps related to postpartum challenges or mental load. This situation highlights a profound breakdown in trust and communication.

The Internet Weighs In: Was Mark a Heartless Husband or Just Brutally Honest?

The comments section, as expected, exploded with a wide range of opinions on Mark's actions. Many users were quick to condemn him, labeling his behavior as manipulative and cruel. They highlighted the emotional toll such a revelation would take on Sarah, especially given the existing pressures of motherhood. The consensus among these commenters was that while his feelings might be valid, his execution was unequivocally wrong and deeply damaging to the marriage.

Conversely, a vocal minority sided with Mark, emphasizing that physical attraction is crucial in a relationship and that Sarah should also be held accountable for her contribution to the marital dynamic. These users argued that Mark was simply being honest, albeit brutally so, and that Sarah's refusal to address his concerns left him feeling unheard and pushed to extremes. They pointed out that neglecting one's appearance can signal a lack of effort towards the partner.

This AITA story is a stark reminder of the complexities of marriage, the importance of open communication, and the devastating impact of actions taken out of resentment. While physical attraction is a valid component of many relationships, the way Mark chose to address his concerns has likely caused irreparable damage. It underscores the need for empathy, honest dialogue, and professional help when facing such profound challenges, rather than resorting to tactics that erode trust and emotional safety. Let's hope both Mark and Sarah find a path forward, whether together or apart.