AITA for confiding in my wife’s sister that I’m tempted by other women because my wife stopped taking care of her appearance, hoping she’d pressure her too?
Oh, boy, do we have a doozy for you today! Our latest AITA submission dives deep into the complexities of marital expectations, appearance, and the absolute minefield that is involving family in your relationship woes. This story is a potent reminder that communication, or the lack thereof, can steer a marriage into incredibly choppy waters. Grab your popcorn, because this one is going to spark some serious debate about boundaries and respect.
Today's tale features a husband who felt his wife had let herself go, leading him to some rather questionable decisions. Instead of a direct conversation with his spouse, he chose a path less traveled, and arguably far more treacherous: confiding in her sister with the explicit hope of leveraging family pressure. It's a move that many will find shocking, and it raises crucial questions about how we address discomfort in a long-term partnership.
"AITA for confiding in my wife’s sister that I’m tempted by other women because my wife stopped taking care of her appearance, hoping she’d pressure her too?"
My wife, Sarah, and I have been married for seven years. When we first started dating and for the initial years of our marriage, Sarah was always meticulously put-together. She loved fashion, did her hair and makeup daily, and worked out regularly. I found her incredibly attractive and it was a big part of what drew me to her. Over the past couple of years, however, things have changed significantly. Sarah works from home now and has fallen into a routine of sweats, no makeup, and rarely styling her hair. She’s also gained some weight.
I’ve tried to hint at it, suggesting we go to the gym together or buying her some new clothes, but she just brushes it off. My attraction to her has genuinely waned, and I find myself looking at other women more often, which makes me feel guilty and frustrated. I know it sounds shallow, but physical attraction is important to me. I've felt this growing distance and lack of spark. I spoke to her sister, Emily, who I'm fairly close with, about my concerns. I explained how Sarah’s change in appearance was impacting me, and how I was even tempted by others, hoping Emily would understand and maybe talk to Sarah herself about making more of an effort.
Emily listened patiently, but her reaction wasn't what I expected. She looked shocked, then incredibly angry. She told me I was out of line for bringing this to her, and even more so for saying I was 'tempted by other women.' She said it was a massive betrayal of Sarah's trust and that I should be talking to Sarah directly, not trying to manipulate her through family. Emily then said she wouldn't interfere and that I had created a huge problem.
A few days later, Sarah confronted me. Emily had, in fact, told her everything – not to pressure her, but because she felt Sarah deserved to know what I'd said. Sarah was devastated. She said she felt betrayed, humiliated, and disgusted that I would speak about her like that, especially to her own sister. She said she understood I had feelings, but my method was cruel. Now she's barely speaking to me and wants to know if I truly think I'm the asshole here. I just wanted my wife back, the one I married, and thought this was a way to make her see what she was losing. So, AITA?
Let's unpack this. It's understandable for a partner to feel a shift in attraction or concern about changes in their spouse's appearance. Relationships require effort from both sides, and it's not inherently wrong to desire your partner to feel good about themselves and for that to manifest in how they present themselves. However, the crucial aspect here is *how* those feelings are communicated and addressed within the relationship itself, not externally.
The core issue lies in the methodology employed by the original poster (OP). Instead of having a direct, honest, and potentially difficult conversation with Sarah about his feelings and concerns, he bypassed her entirely and involved her sister. This move fundamentally undermines the trust and intimacy that should exist between spouses. It introduces a third party into a deeply personal marital issue, creating a scenario ripe for misinterpretation and betrayal.
Furthermore, the explicit hope that Emily would 'pressure' Sarah highlights a desire for manipulation rather than genuine communication. Confiding that he was 'tempted by other women' to Sarah's sister was a particularly hurtful and disloyal revelation. Regardless of the OP's underlying frustrations, this statement, made to a family member, crosses a serious boundary and makes Sarah vulnerable to external judgment and humiliation, rather than offering her support.
While the OP may have felt he was at a loss for how to communicate, his actions ultimately prioritized his own discomfort and a desire for a quick fix over his wife's feelings and the integrity of their marriage. The fallout, with Sarah feeling betrayed and humiliated, is a direct consequence of this breach of trust. Direct, empathetic communication, even when difficult, is always the most respectful path in a committed partnership.
The Verdict Is In: Internet Reacts to John's Secret Plea!
The comments section for this story absolutely exploded, and it's clear that the vast majority of our readers are firmly in the 'You're The Asshole' camp. Many pointed out that while it's normal to have feelings about a partner's changing appearance, the method of addressing those feelings was deeply flawed and hurtful. There was a strong consensus that involving a family member, especially with the intent to 'pressure' the spouse, is a massive breach of trust.
Several commenters highlighted the manipulative aspect of the OP's actions, emphasizing that a marriage should be a safe space for direct communication, not a battleground for covert operations. The revelation of being 'tempted by other women' to Sarah's sister was consistently called out as particularly egregious, showcasing a lack of empathy and respect. It seems the internet has spoken loud and clear: direct, honest (and kind) communication is always the best policy, even if it's uncomfortable.
This AITA story serves as a stark reminder of the fragile nature of trust in a marriage. While feelings of waning attraction can be difficult to navigate, the path chosen by our OP proved to be destructive rather than constructive. It underscores the critical importance of direct, honest, and empathetic communication between partners, even when topics are uncomfortable. The involvement of family in such a sensitive issue, especially with manipulative intent, invariably leads to deeper wounds and threatens the very foundation of a relationship. Let's hope for healing and better communication for all involved.
