AITA for not spending time with an absent father after meeting him for the first time in 8 years?

‘ AITA for not spending time with an absent father after meeting him for the first time in 8 years?’

I (15) have had hardly any interaction with my father since my parents separated when I was very young. I was brought up by my wonderful mother and grandparents, who I love very much.

He emailed my mother out of the blue, saying he was taking a flight to our city for work. I gather he really pushed for this opportunity; he’s a well-known college professor, so I’m guessing he’s here for educational conferences or something similar. He also requested to see me and, as a courtesy, my mother.

Upon initially hearing this, I experienced both surprise and irritation. I had barely interacted with him throughout my life, perhaps only once or twice during childhood. Furthermore, although unspoken, I am underage and have always harbored an inexplicable apprehension towards adult males. They generally cause me unease, with the exception of family members (excluding my father) or those providing a service. However, I consciously attempt to conceal this discomfort.

I was reluctant to attend, but worried it would seem rude. I felt obligated because he traveled so far to ‘visit me’. He wanted to buy me a Christmas gift, and my mother and I collected him from a university and we went to a mall. Throughout the journey, I felt such revulsion towards him, and I played music in the car to lessen my discomfort. I remained silent for the entire drive.

My mother had mentioned to him that I was really hoping for those headphones as a Christmas gift, and he volunteered to buy them for me. I was taken aback but also pleased, I suppose, and I expressed my gratitude since the headphones were quite expensive. He also purchased a few books for me, ultimately spending approximately a thousand dollars on my “gift.” I’m unsure of my feelings about this, but I still thanked him because he was purchasing items for me. It felt appropriate to remain polite and appreciative.

He proceeded by requesting the bookstore manager to photograph the two of us. He suggested I pose in the center, but I felt uncomfortable and chose to stand beside my mother. Subsequently, he inquired about taking a picture with me, but I refused. Although it didn’t seem appropriate then, I now believe I should have been more accommodating and agreed to the photo.

He’s been out of the picture for the majority of my existence, and I don’t really know him. Despite this, he shelled out a grand on me. This is a pittance compared to what my mother and the rest of my family have done for me over the last 15 years, but it’s still a significant chunk of change.

Today, I barely uttered a word, and now that he’s likely mid-flight and I probably won’t see him for years, I feel awful. I still don’t consider him family by any stretch, but I believe I could have at least engaged him more and made him feel more at ease.

Given our limited schedule, the arrangement was essentially: collect him, acquire items for myself, and then deliver him to his destination. I’m concerned that this may have appeared overly utilitarian. This has been bothering me more than I anticipated. Does this make me a terrible individual?

Check out how the community responded:

tinyd71 −  This man parachuted into your life when it was convenient for *him*, and has expectations of you that are all about him. You’re 15 and you’re going to make mistakes, but this isn’t one of them. You feel how you feel. You don’t owe this man anything. If he wants closeness, gratitude, or anything else from you, he should make a real effort to be part of your life (and should have done over the last however many years).. NTA.

tatersprout −  NTA. Your feelings are valid. Buying you gifts does not make up for not attempting to see you or be in your life for 8 years. He does not get to buy the “father experience”. I give you much credit for even meeting him and taking the one pic together. I don’t think I would have even participated in that. You were not under any obligation to take a pic with just him. I hope you give yourself the space to process all this because he is a stranger to you.

venturebirdday −  I think I have a different way of phrasing the emotions that might help you be more accepting of your choices. I USED to do, as in I no longer do and am probably out of practice, family therapy and I often saw this dynamic with absent parents.

He’s not your FATHER. He’s not familiar with you. He hasn’t put any effort into understanding you as an individual. In his eyes, you’re somewhere between an old coat and a small child. There was a time when you were a baby and bringing presents might have made sense. He thought he could just step into the FATHER role without ever acknowledging you as a person.

Uraheru:
Turning down the photo served as a form of self-protection. You’re not an item of clothing he can pull out when he pleases. You can’t be appeased with simple trinkets. He was content to intrude on your life, acting like your FATHER but you didn’t reciprocate. Well done. If he’s serious about building a relationship with you, he needs to prove he deserves a place in your heart, on your terms. NTA.

99999999999999999989 −  NTA in the least. $1000 in presents does not make up for 15 years of not being a dad. He tried to bribe you for a photo but failed because you have more integrity than that.

RoyallyOakie −  NTA…Spending a thousand dollars on a gift doesn’t make him a parent, so you owe him nothing on that front. Your mother probably should not have put you in this situation. He wasn’t coming to see you. He was coming for something else, and this made seeing you convenient. It’s natural to feel awkward under these circumstances. The feeling will pass and you can just go on with your life.

wise_hampster −  NTA. You sound like a thoughtful and polite person interacting with someone who is essentially a complete stranger.

_DisasterArea_ −  Did he talk to you at all about what’s gone down the last decade? How YOU feel about meeting him? Expectations for the future? Or was this literally a photo-op and some paid guilt relief? Like did he at all acknowledge that just dropping in out of nowhere might be weird for you?

River_Song47 −  Nta. You’re not a talking doll to perform for him when he decides to play with you. You’re a human being he’s ignored for 15 years. 

IllustriousWash8721 −  NTA. This is a classic case of absentee father swoops in and spends money on offspring he has not relationship with and then leaves. There are waaaay too many stories like this, the father trying to buy the affections of the child that they do not deserve. You did nothing wrong, you followed his lead.

You were not interested in the photo and did not capture it. You also didn’t put yourself in an awkward position to appease someone else. Furthermore, your writing is quite impressive for a 15-year-old.

AccomplishedInsect28 −  NTA. At 15, you sound like you have more self-awareness and emotional maturity than your college professor father. If he wanted a relationship with you, he has had 15 years to cultivate one. Living in a different city is no excuse; he could have been calling, emailing, texting, facetiming, writing to you.

It was wrong of your parents to put you in this situation, and I hope you are doing well. Please don’t feel bad about the gifts. It was likely an effort to alleviate his feelings of culpability for being the archetypal absentee father. Perhaps he’ll desire a closer bond with you in the future, but it will be up to you whether or not you want him in your life, and it will be his job to win your trust and regard.