AITA for telling my brother it’s pathetic that he can’t do the basics of what his wife did.

A user on Reddit recounts a tense discussion with their sibling, who transitioned to being a stay-at-home caregiver following job loss. The user is annoyed by their brother’s apparent struggle to handle domestic tasks and childcare responsibilities while his spouse, Rachel, is employed full-time.

Following the assertion that his inability to manage fundamental duties is “pathetic,” the situation intensifies, drawing in the Redditor’s mother. It seems the brother’s negligence might have jeopardized his marital relationship. Direct readers to the original narrative provided below.

‘ AITA for telling my brother it’s pathetic that he can’t do the basics of what his wife did.’

I adore my sister-in-law and brother. They have a couple of children, and Rachel, my SIL, was essentially a stay-at-home mom. She did some remote work part-time but also looked after the children and handled all the household tasks. I visited them frequently, and their home was always immaculate. Initially, I assumed she only cleaned thoroughly when expecting visitors, but that wasn’t the case.

When my child was born, she revealed her daily routine, starting with meal preparation at 5 AM for the entire day. Her constant activity and helpful suggestions significantly improved my own household management.

TheDude
Now that my brother is unemployed, the decision was made for Rachel to resume full-time work while he takes on the role of stay-at-home parent. With the children in kindergarten and first grade, he’s got this parenting thing on autopilot.

I’ve assisted him on occasion because he’s simply not good at it. His home is consistently disorganised, and the children frequently arrive late to class. (He requested that I transport them after the school contacted him.) He’s a poor cook, which is depressing.

He got in a huge argument with his wife since dinner wasn’t done and she had to make it. He was ranting about how it unfair and that he is trying. I told him it’s pathetic he can’t do the basic of what his wife did. He has 8 hours free and he can’t keep the house clean. I told him she will divorce him if he doesn’t stop being lazy and figure it out. He left after calling me a j**k and my mom is now on me for what I said Thank you for the Mac and cheese recipes

Updates:
I adore my sister-in-law, and my mother has apologized to me. Rachel shared images of the kitchen and house’s current state with my mother. There were also messages from the school, as well as what seemed to be a textual dispute about how his actions are unacceptable. She presented him with a choice: either improve his behavior or leave. I gained additional understanding of the circumstances and found out that he had neglected to pack the children’s lunches for the previous two days. I believe he has destroyed his marriage.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

CakeEatingRabbit −  NTA. She worked part time and did it all. He has no job at all and can’t even somewhat cut it. How the f**k were the kids late?! I mean, one time can always happen, but consitently? I think being a sahp IS hard. But with both kids going to school, he should have the time to do the most of it.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You’re not wrong. Sure, it could have been put more elegantly, but sugar-coating wouldn’t have made your point any less valid. This is his *job* now and he is under-performing. Maybe this subpar work effort is why he lost his other job to begin with.

BabyCake2004 −  NTA. I was prepared to call you an AH because waking up at 5 am to keep everything sorted is absolutely insane. But that’s not what she’s asking for, she’s asking for him to cook dinner, get the kids to school, and keep the house semi clean.

Then, turning around and bringing it up with you indicates a complete lack of self-awareness. He has to sort this out on his own. This is fundamental to parenting and adulthood. While you might have phrased it more gently, at the very least, your action was a warranted AH move.

paul_rudds_drag_race −  NTA he’s an incompetent adult, father, and spouse. The children are school aged. He has all day to get things done while the children are in school. I used to work with profoundly disabled children.

Some were completely dependent, necessitating total care from their parents. Despite this, the parents ensured they arrived at school punctually. Lacking any capacity for self-sufficiency, he simply represents an additional burden for his wife, requiring her to provide both sustenance and care.

Edit: It’s intriguing that he seems to find spare moments for recreational activities.

Significant_Cat_3 −  NTA. Honestly you’re right. If he cannot prove that that system will work, SIL may realize that she doesn’t really need him as a partner if he can’t earn his keep.

It’s understandable that he’s struggling to adapt, but he’s failing to fulfill any of the responsibilities of a stay-at-home parent. This is particularly glaring given that he’s unemployed and the children are in school for a significant portion of the day.

The fact that my sister-in-law managed everything with children not yet of school age, while only working part-time, ought to be a signal. It’s quite possible she’d be okay on her own if she needed to be.

Fancy-Second2756 −  NTA – my dad did everything when we were kids. All the cooking and cleaning and school runs, extracurricular activity runs, lunches, bath times EVERYTHING. Men are absolutely just as capable to do the things that are often left to women. For some reason so many of them think they can’t or shouldn’t have to.

superrm81 −  NTA. Not too surprised by your mothers reaction, mothers are often the cause of their adult sons being useless at adulting!

Dizzy_Cantaloupe_388 −  NTA – maybe saying his wife will divorce him was taking it a little too far, but he is a grown man who should be able to take care of a house and kids. He’s had years to learn from his wife and never took any interest assuming she would always be the one to do everything, and now he’s hopefully finally appreciating how hard she works to keep everything in order.

He is experiencing a difficult but valuable lesson. I commend you for supporting your sister-in-law, who has likely been attempting to encourage his participation for a long time and now has an ally.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Don’t encourage mediocrity, especially in relatives. There are so many men and women out there giving 110% to their families. There are plenty of single dad’s who cook, clean, show up for their kids, and work full time- without a wife supporting them financially.

He really seems like he could use some professional help. It’s possible he’s struggling with depression due to his job loss, or perhaps he’s in denial about his current circumstances, but that doesn’t justify his continued behavior.

He isn’t simply showing a lack of respect for his spouse; he’s also demonstrating a terrible pattern for his offspring. A marriage is a collaborative effort. Being able to raise kids is a reward. Individuals who won’t even do the absolute least are likely to be deprived of both.

Jmac_files −  NTA. the truth hurts.

Was the Redditor excessively critical of their brother, or was it important to address his insufficient contributions? What strategies would you employ to manage the demands of both professional and personal responsibilities if you were in his shoes? Express your opinions in the comments!