AITA for putting my foot down with my family who blamed my fiancée for something my half siblings said?
A Reddit user recounts a family disagreement that arose from a delicate subject concerning “half” siblings. The user’s half-siblings reacted with mixed emotions regarding family relationships when Ash, the user’s fiancée, brought up her distant half-siblings.
The family subsequently held Ash responsible, asserting that she had “raised” the subject, despite not being the one to introduce it. The user supported Ash, but the family now believes they erred in defending her. Was the Redditor justified in advocating for their fiancée? The complete account is provided below.
‘ AITA for putting my foot down with my family who blamed my fiancée for something my half siblings said?’
I’m a 25-year-old male, and I’m engaged to Ash, a 25-year-old female. Recently, I had to stand my ground with my family, and now they believe I’m in the wrong. We were all at dinner – my parents, my half-siblings (my mom’s children from her previous marriage) and their partners, my full siblings, Ash, and myself.
During our meal, my parents inquired whether Ash had been in contact with her siblings lately. Ash replied negatively, stating that she didn’t anticipate ever hearing from them. Ash grew up with older half-siblings who resented her existence and consistently made her feel inferior because she was a half-sibling.
Ash7492:
Upon reaching adulthood, they opted to sever ties, including with their father, whom they both shared. This decision brings a certain melancholy to Ash’s life. Being an only child in all other respects, she continues to feel affection for them and occasionally wrestles with the longing of the younger version of herself who admired them greatly.
She’s currently in therapy, ensuring her mental well-being, particularly since she’s now an adult who has come to terms with the fact that a relationship with them will never happen.
My siblings brought up that they find the half thing weird and we never used it and nobody they know would ever personally use it. Mom said it’s not something that should be encouraged and she’ll never understand anyone dividing family up that way.
My half siblings said they just don’t want to think people use it, but they do all of the time. They said they always used it for us. That most of us just closed our ears off to it and liked to pretend we’re all full siblings.
They have stated that we are not, and their connection with us will always be secondary to their connection with each other. This is because they share a complete other side of their family and a different father, a situation we can’t fully grasp since we haven’t experienced divorce or the loss of a parent.
They experienced the same thing. My half-siblings continued by mentioning that their children are aware that we aren’t their biological aunts and uncles and that our father isn’t their biological grandfather. It’s foolish to assume that “step” and “half” are disregarded.
They departed, and my remaining relatives attempted to place the blame on Ash, asserting that she initiated the discussion (my parents were the ones who did, not Ash), implying she instigated the situation. My mother stated that such discourse was unprecedented in our household.
I instructed them to cease, and when they attempted to claim that Ash was endeavoring to come to terms with “half being less” (which she is not trying to accept, but rather that her half-siblings desire no contact with her), I proposed to Ash that we depart and informed my family that I would not endure such behavior from them.
I informed them that their behavior was unacceptable, and we would not be returning if they persisted in holding Ash accountable for something she wasn’t involved in. Am I the Asshole?
Here’s the comments of Reddit users:
Natural_Garbage7674 − NTA. Your *mom* was the one who started it when she tried to brag about how much “better” she was at managing her family. Well done, mom. You’ve alienated your older children *and* your son and his fiancée. All to try and win a competition no one was competing in.
Papismooth − NTA. This has obviously been brewing in the family for a while going by what your half siblings said, they just didn’t bring it up outside of eachother. Those feelings don’t just appear out of nowhere.
It appears your parents are simply trying to find a scapegoat, avoiding the realization that their family unit isn’t as unified as they believed.
LightPhotographer − So the whole family dinner was a leaking fuel barrel at a poorly maintained gas station and your parents asked Ash if she had any matches.. NTA
EstrellaA11 − NTA – Time to have sit down with your mom (the person who is to blame for it). Did she know the situation with your fiancé and her siblings before hand? If so why would she even think to bring them up? Maybe to try and brag about the dynamic she believed yalls family had.
Growing up, what was your experience like? Did your half-siblings appear to be pressured into various activities without anyone really communicating with them? I have two half-sisters and one full brother, but I’ve never thought of my younger sisters as “half-siblings”; they were simply my siblings, and I love them as much as my brother, despite the fact that we do not have the same father.
The elder of the two bears a striking resemblance to me, while the younger one looks like my brother. I understand that not every family perceives things in this manner. In my experience, this often occurs because parents fail to acknowledge their children’s emotions, neglecting to engage in conversations that explore how they truly feel about everything.
Concerned_Broccoli:
I take issue with your half-siblings’ assertion that you’re not “real” aunts and uncles, as you indeed are. Sharing the same mother establishes your siblinghood. It appears your half-siblings harbor some lingering emotions that haven’t been addressed by your mother, possibly your father, or even you and your other siblings. Your mother, however, needs a dose of reality.
LouisV25 − NTA. The problem is your parents don’t want to hear or take accountability for reality. They pretend they didn’t hear step and pretend and do not want to take accountability for starting the conversation.
It’s unfortunate they can’t recognize the tranquility of their household, considering blended and extended families are a reality. Many individuals lack such harmonious dynamics.
becoming_maxine − NTA – Just because your mom doesn’t want to acknowledge the reality doesn’t make your step siblings confronting her with it Ash’s fault when the subject came up.
It appears your stepsiblings share a similar sentiment towards you as Ash’s stepsiblings do towards Ash. While they might not be mistreating you to the same degree, they may not view you as an equal sibling either.
analyst19 − NTA. Walking away when someone is being rude to your fiancée is a good idea.
Rohini_rambles − Your mom sure does gaslight. She is fiercely guarding her idealist all her kids love aand adore each other and she won’t let her delusion be broken by the reality that the family was nolever as blended as she wanted . NTA
throwaway6262626278 − NTA, it sounds like your mom is living in delulu land and I’m not sure how you turned out so unbelievably empathetic and logical. Good on you sir, she’s lucky to have a supportive partner
Shdfx1 − NTA. Your half siblings were right that the parents refused to listen. They STILL refuse to listen. Your mother is acting like if Ash never described how her half siblings don’t think of her as a sibling, then her own kids would never have even felt this way. It’s willful blindness.
The root of the issue, in my opinion, lies in the fact that you and Ash were younger compared to your half-siblings. You matured with them already present, much like any sibling relationship. Given the death of their other parent, there was no joint custody arrangement or periods when they resided with a different family. As far as you and Ash were concerned, they were simply older siblings.
As children, they went through the loss of a parent and the collapse of their immediate family. This devastates a child’s feeling of safety. One day, their mother or father simply disappeared from their lives, a truly frightening event for a young person to endure.
Then, the parent who was still alive found a new partner, started a new relationship, and had more kids, as if their previous family had never existed. A child can’t simply erase the death of their mother or father. That person was the one and only mom or dad they would ever have, and no one can take their place.
A heart injury that turns into a lasting emotional reminder. While a grown person might always remember a deceased partner, they have the capacity to continue living, find love, and even remarry. This doesn’t mean they’re substituting the person they lost, but instead beginning a new phase in their life. Mature people have a fundamentally different journey through grief.
It is not unusual for children to struggle to connect with their younger half-siblings after their parents remarry. Some may experience a sense of alienation within the blended family, resentment towards a parent for moving on after a death when they themselves are unable to fully heal, or even envy that the younger children possess a stable, traditional family structure that was lost to them.
A genuine connection can’t be manufactured. It seems neither you nor Ash grasp the profound impact of losing a parent, only to witness the surviving parent start a new life, marry, and have children with someone else. It’s akin to being specters from a former life, observing a joyful, unfamiliar family from the outside.
It’s quite typical for the children in the new family to be confused as to why their half-siblings won’t accept them. Typically, that understanding only comes through suffering and bereavement. One last thing: you ARE actual aunts and uncles to your half-siblings’ offspring because you share a parent. The children of your half-siblings are blood relatives. You are half-siblings rather than step-siblings.
Was the Redditor right to stand up for their fiancée, or should they have responded in another way? How would you deal with this kind of familial issue? Let us know what you think!
